No one gets it, NO ONE. Its like I need to call out and say HELLO YES IM HERE YES I NEED ATTENTION I NEED YOU HERE FOR ME. No one calls, no one texts, nothing. I get nothing. Ive gone through the worst thing imaginable and no body reaches out. I feel like shit. I wake up and am reminded of what happened, I go to sleep, and still think about what happened. I go to school, I take a shower, I paint my nails, I go shopping, I straighten my hair, I do my make up and all I see is him. Its a permanent image I cant get out of my head. I keep running over and over in my head what happened that night. I get flash backs - theyre the worst. A constant repeat of what went down. I dont have a dad, simple as that. Not here on this earth any way. And people say to me, ‘Wow its almost been five months already im sure youve started to move on its time you know, to get back to normal life.’ ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU NIEVE PRICKS?! What do you mean ‘move on’?! Ive lost my dad for godsakes someone ill never get back. The one man id always truely love from the day I was born until forever. Do not tell me when I should move on because if this was you, you would understand exactly how I feel, but it isnt. Ill never get over the fact I wont have my dad to walk me down the isle. To be grandfather to my children. I wont move on. I cant even accept the fact that hes dead. Yes thats the word, dead. It hits me in the face like a massive punch and it physically hurts when I realise hes gone. I feel like I have no one there for me. No one asks me ‘Ohh Alessia, so how are you going with everything thats happened? Are you alright? Im here for you’. If someone said that every few days id be a much happier person but I dont get that. Im going deeper and deeper into a hole i cant see out of. Its sad because I feel safe there, in my own little space where its just me and no one else. Its even better being labelled as having, ‘severe anxiety and PTSD’. Im not a psycho I just have it that little bit harder then your average person. People dont understand what its like to go home to a house where one person is missing. People dont understand that even though I smile on the outside, im hurting so bad on the inside. People think I dont pay attention but the truth is, its because inside my head all I can see is him, staring back at me with lifeless eyes. I just see him thats all I see. Nothing else. And its hard. I cant open up to people because they dont know what to say back they dont have the answers that I want. Its not like I expect them to have the answers but it would be nice if someone did. But no one will ever know the answers to the endless amount of questions I have. Why did God have to take away my hero, my soldier, my happiness? If I knew this would have happened I would have done things so differently in my life. I wish I felt that i had people here for me.. But I dont its as simple as that. I want to be happy, but I dont feel happy. I see all the colours around me, but I cant engage with it. All happiness is circulating around me, but its like when it tries to enter it rushes back out. All im left with is sadness after that. Heres the one thing people dont understand; Just because I smile and laugh, doesnt mean im happy. So with that said, ill go back to my ‘normal self’, and smile. But just know behind that happy face you all see, isnt really happiness at all.